In 2015, my husband gave in and said we could try for a third baby. Just about everyone I knew thought I was crazy. I was 38 and already had a 5 and 7 year old. I had the perfect family. The million dollar family. This overwhelming feeling came over me after a pregnancy scare in 2014. All I could think about from then on was how it wasn't so much of a scare as something I really wanted. It was all I could think about. My husband had me wait a year and my feelings never waivered. Not long after we made the decision to start trying I was pregnant. I was overjoyed! I was so worried that being older it would take longer to conceive but it happened instantly. At about 6 weeks pregnant I began to spot. Nothing like this happened with my other two. I went to the hospital a couple of days later hoping for comfort but this was not the case. They tried to stay optimistic reassuring me that a woman could bleed and the pregnancy still be viable but it seemed so hopeless. The month before Christmas was the longest of my life. Normally it feels long because I can't wait for my holidays to start but this time it was the wait and see. Ultra sound after ultra sound and the news kept coming back worse but no one wanted to say to me listen I think you are miscarrying so prepare yourself. I clung to hope and this was exhausting. When the day came that I miscarried naturally, I was happy. I was so tired of waiting and hoping that it felt good knowing it was finally over. I was fortunate that the miscarriage went perfectly. I had bad cramping but within hours everything had been expelled. I stared at the little sac for awhile. Imagined what could have been. I had already cried so much the days leading to this that I had no tears left. My daughter and son both had friends over and my husband was at work so I went on as it happened as though everything was fine. My kids never knew and still don't. Life went on after this. I couldn't wait to start trying again but I had to wait two cycles. Finally, the day came we could start trying again and BOOM I was pregnant right away!! I thought I would be over the moon but terror set in. What if I miscarried again? I was fine for awhile until I was about 4 weeks pregnant. I was sitting watching tv when my underwear felt soaked. I didn't want to look but I mustered up the courage to go to the bathroom. My underwear were full of blood. I thought it's over again. I never bled this much the last time so it seemed impossible that this pregnancy could be viable. I read and read other woman's stories who had been through similar experiences. Some were positive and some were tragic. My heart told me mine was a tragedy. I went to the hospital and the doctor's said all looked good. The ultra sound testing began again but this time the results were different. My little peanut was growing. His heart was pounding away. I continued to bleed off and on for four months. It got to the point that only wore dark underwear and refused to look in the toilet after I wiped. It was my way of surviving. My story was not a tragedy after all. I am now 30 weeks pregnant with a baby boy who we've decided to name Finn. It's not over yet but things are looking good. I am excited and can't wait to meet him. I know so many others who have not been so lucky. Others who have suffered so many miscarriages and desperately just want to have a child of their own. I felt blessed knowing I already had two children. While my loss was still painful at least I still had my two angels. In the end, things have worked out so far. We have other things we need to face but all saves those stories for another day. Please share your stories so we can help others going through such trauma.

The Not So Perfect Mom

I haven't posted in a long time. I got caught up in living my life as we all do and getting through the day to day. I got to thinking after spending some time on Facebook about all the people who have blogs now. That doesn't really bother me but what bothers me is it feels like all these blogs are about how great their lives are and what everyone else needs to do to be like them. I thought to myself I wish these people would just admit that their life is not perfect, they don't know everything, their way is not better than mine and they are NOT perfect. I'm frustrated and the solution would easily be to stop going on Facebook and to stop reading their blogs but I can't. It's a sickness! I freely admit that I am not perfect. I work hard at being the best mom I can be but I fail daily. The one thing I can guarantee though is that at the end of the day my kids know I love them. It's a Wonderful Life is dedicated to all the parents who need to feel like they are not the only ones who are struggling. I'm not going to tell you that I am struggling and then list all the ways I've stopped struggling because that would be a lie. Everyday I come up with some kind of solution to making my life better and everyday I find I'm just too tired to keep up. Here are my stories. Hope you enjoy! After feeling frustrated that my house was messy and not wanting to spend my entire weekend cleaning it all the time, I came up with the most amazing idea. I was going to clean one room a day. Not the first time I had this idea but it was going to work this time. First week was awesonme but by the end of it I was exhausted. It was 9:30pm I had finally finsished making supper, eating supper, homework with the kids, cleaning the kitchen and now when all I wanted to do was lay in bed and watch T.V. I had that damned room to clean. And I did. Everyday that week no matter how late it was I cleaned the room and my house looked fabulous but I was done. I was so tired that now not only have I stopped the room a day seems like I've stopped cleaning all together. My house is a disaster! The worse it gets the more overwhelemed I feel. But guess what my kids know I love them, my husband knows I love him and we are happy. So screw it! I'll get it done. I'm not perfect.